The year is 18 B.C.E. Emperor Caesar Augustus, in an effort to reform Roman morality, has decreed that the traditional toga shall be worn to all public functions. You, a liberal senator, don't even own a toga. In an hour, the consul will call the Senate to session, and you have nothing to wear. Don't despair; grab the top sheet off your twin bed and follow some simple instructions.
Fold the twin bed sheet in half, lengthwise.
Drape one folded corner of the twin sheet over your right shoulder and across you back. Hold this corner in your left hand. Hold the rest of the sheet out by the crease with your right hand.
Wrap the fabric to the left around the front and back of your body. Grab the other folded corner with your right hand.
Bring this corner across the front of your body beneath the draped fabric, and pull it out through the opening beneath your left armpit.
Tie the two folded corners together with a secure knot. Adjust the fabric for coverage and style.
David Samson has been contributing since 1999 under various pseudonyms to a number of underground avant-garde/punk magazines, including "The Bourgeois-Geist" and "Medatrocity." He has a Bachelor of Arts in English from the University of Texas at Austin, and also works as a freelance writing tutor.