Funniest St. Patrick's Day Jokes

by Heather Lacey

Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day. In honor of this Irish-Christian holiday, revelers celebrate with traditions, such as dressing in green, drinking Irish beer and enjoying a corned beef and cabbage feast. While entertaining at your next St. Patrick's Day gathering, laugh and be merry with a few hilarious, clean holiday jokes.

The Engagement

A young Irish fellow was preparing to ask his lass for her hand in marriage. He purchased a fake diamond ring and popped the big question. Overwhelmed with love and excitement, the young lass accepted the ring with a definite "Yes!"

When the lass returned home that afternoon, she showed her father her beautiful engagement ring. Her father, an experienced jeweler, immediately recognized it as a fake. Disappointed and hurt, the lass returned the ring to her betrothed.

"Why did you give me a phony diamond?" she asked.

"It was in honor of St. Patty's Day," he replied. "I got you a sham rock."

Twin Coincidence

On a fine St. Patrick's Day afternoon, Brian O'Malley stumbled into his local tavern for a refreshing pint. After the bartender served him a tall glass of Guinness, he turned and noticed that the man seated next to him was staring at an empty glass, so Brian ordered him a drink.

"Was that a Guinness you're drinking?" asked Brian.

"Yes, sir," replied the man.

"I can't believe it! I'm drinking Guinness too! Bartender, a Guinness for my new friend!"

The bartender obliged and the men continued their conversation.

"Where are you from, sir," asked Brian to the man.

"I was born and raised in Dublin," he explained.

"Well, I'll be. I'm from Dublin too!" exclaimed Brian.

"To Dublin!" they toast.

"Where did you go to school?" asked Brian.

"I went to St. Mary's Academy," replied the man. "I graduated in '72"

"I can't believe it! I too went to St. Mary's and graduated in '72!"

Their conversation continues as another patron walks into the tavern.

"What's new around here today?" the patron asks the bartender.

"Not much," the bartender says. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Irish Question

"Why do the Irish always answer a question with another question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"Do we now?" replied New York Mayor Al Smith.

Kiss the Blarney Stone

A busload of American tourists is traveling to the famed Blarney Stone. One woman in the tour group is constantly unimpressed with the sights and sounds of Ireland. She complains for the entire trip about the food, lodging, condition of the bus and other members of her tour group.

Upon their arrival at the Blarney Stone, the tour guide announces, "Welcome to the Blarney Stone! Tradition has it that if you kiss the stone, you'll be blessed with good luck for all your life. Unfortunately the stone is closed for cleaning today, so no one can kiss it. Perhaps we can return here tomorrow."

This unfortunate turn of events set off the grumpy woman. "I can't come back tomorrow!" she shouts. "I have another tour to attend. You're telling me that we came all this way on this horrible tour, and now we can't even kiss this rotten stone?"

"Well, you may still be in luck," the tour guide reassures, "Legend has it that if you kiss a person who kissed the Blarney Stone you'll be blessed with the same good fortune."

"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman mocks.

"No," the frustrated tour guide responds, "But I have sat on it."

Photo Credits

About the Author

Heather Lacey is a freelance writer who has been specializing in print and Web articles since 2008. She is a regular contributor to "Go Gilbert!," "Scottsdale Health Magazine" and other local publications. Lacey has a professional background in hospitality management and studied journalism at Phoenix College.