9 Sure Signs That He’s the Wrong Guy for You
Whether you've been in the relationship for years or only weeks, there are some surefire signs that it's time for a breakup. Does he treat you like a princess or one of the groundskeepers? Are you both headed in the same direction or on divergent paths? And most importantly, do you feel safe? Here are a few signs that it's time for you to move on.
1. He’s Abusive
If you feel unsafe in any way in your relationship, get help and get out. Violence against women is a worldwide phenomenon. According to the World Health Organization, more than a third of all women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence at the hands of an intimate partner. In the United States, nearly three women are killed every single day by intimate partners.
But it’s not just about you. Children who grow up witnessing violence can suffer from a range of behavioral and emotional issues that can last a lifetime. And it doesn’t need to be physical abuse. Emotional abuse can leave scars too.
In a relationship, you should be treated with love, compassion and respect. Make that clear from the start, and if he doesn’t measure up, break up. If you need help, contact your local police department, shelter or a national organization like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
2. He Has Substance Abuse Issues
Alcohol and other drugs can devastate once-healthy relationships and turn that wonderful guy into a monster. While your impulse might be to help him get help, it’s important to note that addiction is a disease that can only be treated when the person is ready and willing. If he’s not, you need to put you and your family first. Break up. If he can tackle his demons, you can revisit the relationship when he’s healthy.
3. It’s a Roller-Coaster Relationship
How many times have you already broken up with him? If this isn’t the first time, it might be a sign it’s time to say goodbye for good. Even if you’ve never broken up before but you’re always bickering, it’s time to take a look at what all those fights are really about. Troubled relationships can induce anxiety, stress and depression. If he’s the reason you’re barking at the kids, underperforming at work or having a hard time sleeping at night, it’s time to sleep alone.
4. He’s Hung Up on His Ex
Signs that he still hasn’t gotten over his previous relationship might be crystal clear: He can’t stop talking about her. He compares the two of you all the time, and you rarely come out on top. Or it might be silent and subtle. Find out who did the breaking up and what the circumstances were. If she dumped him and still exists on the periphery, a snap of her fingers might make a mess of your relationship.
Or maybe it’s you who can’t get your ex out of your mind. Either way, if one of you isn’t fully present in this relationship, it’s time to move on.
5. You Want to Change Him
It’s okay if he has one or two annoying habits you’d like to break him of. But is it more than that? If there are fundamental traits about him that you just can’t stand and think you can change, think again. You should be with someone who sees the world the way you do and is on a similar path to where you want to be.
6. It’s Just About Sex
If the only time you seem to be in sync is in the bedroom, your relationship won’t last. So if you’re looking for long-term love and not just a hookup, break up now and look further. On the other hand, if your once passionate sex life is virtually nonexistent, that could also be a warning sign that it’s time to move on.
7. The Cons Outweigh the Pros
A 2017 study brought a new twist to constructing a list of positives and negatives in relationship assessment. The Positive-Negative Relationship Quality scale is a bidimensional rating system where individuals involved in romantic relationships view their relationship through a series of positive and negative adjectives. The numbers help give a clear picture of what’s right and what’s wrong. Whether you use a formal scale or grab a pad of paper and a pen to take a hard look, the results might give you the answer you need.
8. You’d Rather Spend Time With Your Friends
Or maybe he’d rather spend time with his? Both are signs that your relationship is not a top priority. If he’s truly the man for you, you’ll want to spend time with him. Not every waking moment, but many of them. Do you?
9. Your Kids Hate Him
Love isn’t always blind, but sometimes the people who truly love you can see better than you whether or not this guy is for you. Ask your family and close friends what they think. They’re not going to make the decision for you, but they might shed light on traits you don’t see. And your kids can be brutally honest. It’s your decision, so consider all the evidence, and make it a good one.
It might indeed be time for a breakup. But before you make the decision, ask yourself what it is you want from this relationship. If it’s for fun and not forever, then maybe you can sit back and enjoy his company until it’s no longer enjoyment.
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- Pub Med: Positive and Negative Evaluation of Relationships: Development and Validation of the Positive-Negative Relationship Quality (PN-RQ) Scale
- NBC News: Domestic Violence: Nearly Three U.S. Women Killed Every Day by Intimate Partners
- Women’s Health: 4 Questions to Ask Yourself if Your New Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem Over His Ex
- World Health Organization: Violence Against Women
Linda Emma is a journalist and freelance writer, specializing in family, parenting, and relationship topics. She has been writing for more than 20 years. She currently works at a marketing agency and Endicott College, where she provides tutoring services and sage wisdom to undergraduates.