How to Tear Down Walls in a Marriage

by Kristen Moutria

You may prefer to read or watch TV over spending time with your spouse lately, and she may not be interested in going on dates with you like she used to. Even though you were close at the beginning of your marriage, the passing of time may have separated you and caused a divide in your relationship. However, these emotional walls can be torn down so you can regain the intimacy you once enjoyed in your marriage, if you are both willing to make the effort.

Deal with your deeper feelings. If you are experiencing complacency and distance in your relationship, you many have negative emotions lurking deeper in your heart. Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology, psychiatry and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle, reports on "WebMD" that boredom in your marriage is often a cover-up for anger and disappointment. Spend some time asking yourself what has gone wrong over the course of your marriage that has left you with bitterness, sadness or frustration. Dealing with these feelings and addressing the cause of the negative feelings can help you become as close to your spouse as you used to be.

Validate the feelings of your spouse. Simply listening to your spouse when she is having a bad day instead of offering advice can help break down emotional walls and restore intimacy to your marriage. Author Lori H. Gordmon reports on "Psychology Today" that when one partner is upset, the other often unintentionally compounds it. One way to avoid doing this is to simply give your partner a hug when she is upset and say you are sorry instead of talking over her and trying to make her hurt feelings go away.

Schedule a time to be intimate. You may not like the idea of scheduling sex, but according to Janice Epp, dean of the Institute for Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, doing so may be the best way to maintain intimacy with your spouse. Epp states that knowing sex is going to occur can help build anticipation. If you know spontaneous intimacy is not going to happen, scheduling it in could help restore closeness in your marriage.

Spend a lot of time together. Psychologist Peggy L. Ferguson states on "" that many couples focus on spending quality time together at the expense of spending a quantity of time together. Even if you have a meaningful date with your husband once a week, spending time together once every seven days may not be not enough to maintain a close marriage. By choosing to rearrange your schedule and spend more time with your spouse, you will help tear down walls in your relationship as you have more opportunities to be close and to connect with each other.


  • Be patient. It takes more than one day to tear down walls that have taken years to build. Intimacy can be restored in your marriage, if both partners are open to it, but it will take time.


About the Author

Kristen Moutria has a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Evangel University. She is currently pursuing her Master of Arts in education from the University of Nebraska.

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