The fact that you are married does not stop either one of you from being attracted to someone else. Attraction does not necessarily equate to infidelity. However, the reality that he no longer has eyes only for you can leave you feeling doubtful, insecure and perhaps a little betrayed. Saving your marriage will require mutual commitment. Besides addressing his attraction to someone else, your need to be reassured must be fulfilled. Use this situation as another challenge for you to overcome together, to learn from and inevitably draw closer to each other.
Practice Good Communication
Do not allow this situation to drive distance between you and your spouse. Turn towards each other instead of away from each other. The latter is often the tendency in struggling marriages, according to "7 Research-Based Principles for Making Marriage Work" published on Psych Central. Be open and honest with each other as you explore where it is that you would like your relationship to go from this point. Avoid pointing fingers and placing blame. Although your husband looked in another direction, he may not be the only one who is experiencing difficulty within the marriage. Determine if he wants to work on building your marriage and go from there. Nurture good communication. Send texts or write notes to keep each other up to date on daily happenings. Some of these can be messages of love or appreciation.
Set Clear Guidelines
Communicate the extent to which you are both comfortable with the other person being attracted to someone else. He may be the one who is attracted now, but at some other time, someone might pique your interest. Share your feelings on how this attraction makes you feel. When your partner fancies someone else it is likely to leave you feeling insecure about yourself and your relationship. Clearly define what is or is not appropriate for your husband to do in relation to this other person. If it is not someone he works with then he may easily be able to avoid interacting with her. If it is a coworker, then he may attempt a transfer or restrict his interaction to work-related issues. What you decide as a couple will be affected by the level of trust and any past issues you have had.
Build intimacy in your relationship. It is possible for his attraction to someone else to be a result of a widening gap between you, says Brenda Della Casa, in her article, "8 Must Do's To Save Your Marriage Today" on Divorce360.com. Do things to keep your marriage interesting and things you both find engaging. Schedule dates with each other. Make date nights a routine and try to find different things to do each time that you will both enjoy. When at home, make time to spend alone time together such as after the children have gone to bed, according to the WebMD feature, "7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship." Put the phones on silent, cuddle on the couch to watch a movie or read a book together. Find a hobby that you can both appreciate and share these times together. Try new things in the bedroom to make your sex lives more pleasurable.
When a partner is attracted to someone else it may affect how much you trust him. You can foster trust by being as open as possible with each other. Share your passwords to voice mail and email. Keep up to date on your social media sites. Accompany your husband on any open work-related outings or social gatherings where the object of his attraction may be. This will make it less likely for the attraction to turn into anything more serious, suggests Della Casa. Sharing and spending extra time together will also foster intimacy, drawing you closer together.
- Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.; Karen Sherman
Latoya Newman is a novelist who wrote and published her first novel in 2012. She has a background in education, research and counseling. She taught at the elementary level for eight years, and has a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from York University in Toronto, Canada.
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