You've loved her since the moment you set eyes on her, or so you believe. She's beautiful, accomplished and enjoys Monty Python movies. You never knew such a perfect woman existed, and you're determined that she become a part of your life. Before you build that pedestal too high, recognize that she's only human, and if she smells the scent of neediness, will likely be off and running before you have the opportunity to order a second drink. Curbing any desperate tendencies can help you to appear to be the sort of well-balanced man that healthy women desire.
Find a way to take care of your needs aside from what the girl can offer you. Self-reliance is the opposite of neediness. For example, if you crave companionship, spend some time volunteering at an after-school program or join a hiking club. Then, when you approach the girl you like, you won't view her as a the only cure for your loneliness.
Hold the flowers and gifts. While the girl you like will no doubt be delighted by a dozen long-stemmed roses, she may not be equally delighted with you. If you give too much, too soon, she'll begin to wonder why you're so eager. Getting to know her better before going all out sends a message of stability rather than impulsivity and neediness, and you can guess which is the most attractive.
Turn off your phone. Excessive calling and texting sends a message of desperation and is annoying to boot. When you do send a text, consider sending a funny one-liner or something else that doesn't require a response. This will let her know you're thinking about her, but not make demands on her time.
Take a deep breath and resist the urge to give into any other needy impulses. Neediness often comes from a preoccupation with the other person and a desire to be reassured that the other person feels the same way, according to psychiatrist and "Psychology Today" columnist Mark Banschick. Sometimes the best thing to do is just accept that you feel needy and take a few deep breaths rather than asking her out for the second time in three days.
Make plans that do not depend on the girl you are pursuing. Aim to attend an art opening on Saturday night whether she attends or not. That way, when you invite her to accompany you, you can do so with the assurance that you'll have a good time whether she chooses to accept your invitation or not. If she turns you down, there won't be a heavy wave of disappointment to contend with, which she could detect and interpret as neediness.
Take "no" for an answer. "Psychology Today" writer Temma Ehrenfeld notes that if you continue to ask two or three times after hearing the word "no," you are being needy. If you ask her out and she can't make it, accept her answer at face value. Recognize that her "no" doesn't have to mean that she doesn't like you -- she might really have other plans. After waiting a few days, simply ask her out to a different event.
Once you gain her interest, don't "drop everything and run to her," warns Christopher Gray, author of "From Shy to Social: The Shy Man's Guide to Personal and Dating Success." Doing so sends the wrong message. Show her attention, but don't make her the immediate center of your life, as women are attracted to men who are confident and well-grounded.
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- Psychology Today: Overcoming Neediness
- Psychology Today: Are You Needy?
- "From Shy to Social --The Shy Man's Guide to Personal and Dating Success"; Christopher Gray
- If neediness is an ongoing problem, seek help from a professional counselor. Anxiety and depression can both contribute to neediness, as can unresolved issues from your past, such as your parents getting divorced when you were young. Resolving this issues can help you to feel the inner peace you need to pursue a woman without fear of neediness surfacing and sending the wrong message.
- Never let a tendency towards neediness cross the line into stalking. If you catch yourself driving by her home to see if she's there after she told you she'd rather have a quiet night at home rather than going out, acknowledge that this is a problem and seek professional help.
Elise Wile has been a writer since 2003. Holding a master's degree in curriculum and Instruction, she has written training materials for three school districts. Her expertise includes mentoring, serving at-risk students and corporate training.
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