How to Confront a Suspicious Boyfriend

by Genevieve Van Wyden

Some relationships seem to move along so smoothly that both partners don’t seem to experience any jealousy. You struggle, on the other hand, with a boyfriend who is suspicious of everything you do and say. He may also be distrustful when you don’t do something, like answer the phone when he calls. At first, you might have been flattered, but now, it’s just getting old. You don’t want to break up with him because, other than his jealousy, he’s a great guy. So, what do you do and how can you confront your suspicious boyfriend?

Discuss your man’s jealousy. Wait until both of you have calmed down so you can talk about the issue rationally. If you’re committed to him, sitting down over coffee and trying to get to the bottom of his suspicions might clue him into realizing that his behaviors and words are destroying what’s otherwise a strong, loving relationship.

Suggest to your guy that he get involved in an activity or class that he’s interested in. This could be a music or art class. He might not have enough outlets for his energy or interests. If he gets caught up in learning about music, cooking or hiking, he’ll have less time to worry about what you’re not doing. He’ll also be able to discuss what he’s learning with you, livening up your time together.

Tell your boyfriend you want to talk about why he’s so suspicious of you. Your goal is to talk about why he’s suspicious -- what his insecurities are. Explain calmly that, when he tries to control what you do and where you go, you feel like he doesn’t trust you. As you talk, keep in mind that he should be in a frame of mind to accept that he has his insecurities that make him feel jealous. He needs to be honest with you, something that can bring you close together as a couple.

Show your boyfriend what really happened. If he’s upset that you didn’t answer his phone call, explain what happened -- for example, maybe you were in the shower and didn’t hear the phone ringing in the other room. Maybe your phone's battery died. His insecurities may lead him to think about worst-case scenarios.

Give your boyfriend as much information as possible. Tell him that, when the two of you have calmed down, you want to tell him everything that happened. If, for instance, you were supposed to get together, but a family obligation came up, be open with him about everything that happened.

Suggest professional counseling for you and your boyfriend before his reactions destroy your relationship. His feelings come from within -- he doesn't feel confident about himself or his ability to maintain your relationship. It’s best if he sees a therapist for individual counseling to work on the causes of his jealousy. Once he’s started to understand the root causes, add couples therapy to begin working on the damage he has caused with his jealousy.

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  • Address your boyfriend’s suspicions before they become such an issue that you can’t do anything without him trying to control you. Discussing his insecurities and getting him to recognize them won't happen immediately. He'll need to get comfortable with the realization of his fears.


  • If your boyfriend starts to become violent, leave immediately. You’ll need to re-evaluate your relationship and make plans to leave permanently so you don’t open yourself to the possibility of dating violence.

About the Author

Genevieve Van Wyden began writing in 2007. She has written for “Tu Revista Latina” and owns three blogs. She has worked as a CPS social worker, gaining experience in the mental-health system. Van Wyden earned her Bachelor of Arts in journalism from New Mexico State University in 2006.

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