How to Ask Your Husband If He's Having an Affair

by Contributor

If you suspect your husband is having a love affair, not knowing the truth can eat away at your relationship even more than the affair itself. Until the two of you talk about what has gone wrong in your relationship, you will never begin to recover from the pain of an affair. Infidelity can destroy a marriage or make it stronger-both the husband and wife must take responsibility for their feelings about affairs and work together to solve marriage problems. There is always a small possibility your husband is not having an affair-but you must communicate before you can find out.

Think carefully about what his actions could mean before you accuse your husband of having an affair. Has he been working late more often? Maybe he's trying to earn more money rather than indulging in infidelity. Has he stopped wanting sex? Maybe he's stressed, depressed, or anxious. Accusing your husband of having an affair when he's been faithful to you will hurt your marriage relationship.

Hold onto your temper. You may feel incredibly angry and violated when you suspect an affair. Don't meet him at the front door with guns blazing in anger or have a blow out argument in front of the kids. Screaming and accusations (even if he is having an affair) will not make solving marriage problems any easier.

Gather all the facts. This doesn't mean hiring a private investigator or stalking your husband when he's not aware. Something about his actions or habits had led you to believe he's having an affair-credit card receipts, strange phone calls, weird numbers on the cell phone bill. Even unusual happiness might lead you to suspect an affair. Whatever makes you suspicious about his behavior, infidelity could be one explanation.

Ask about the facts, not his behavior. "Whose cell phone number is this?" or "Why have you been going to this restaurant so often?" are more likely to elicit the truth about an affair than bold accusations about infidelity.

Be completely honest. If he asks, "Do you think I'm having an affair?" answer yes, calmly. Even if he gets angry about the accusation, remain calm and honest. You're looking for honesty from your husband-give honesty to him first, to open the door to clear communication in your marriage.

Keep communicating. Don't let the subject drop until you have talked it through, no matter how long it takes. If he is having an affair, it's probably not a new thing. If the affair has gone on for a long time, that means your communication has been poor for even longer.

Take time to work through your marriage problems and don't expect change overnight. Both of you will have issues-no one is perfect in a marriage. Work together to solve marriage problems and to discover why you have been unhappy. Trust will develop again if both husband and wife commit to being honest and trustworthy.

Think about what you value in your husband. If affairs are part of his life over a long period of time, it may be better to divorce. If an affair is a one-time thing, the two of you can work past it and go on to a happy marriage. If your husband is having affairs, that means both he and you need to work on yourselves and your marriage, remember what you value about each other, and move on.

Seek counseling, even if you think you've solved your marriage problem. A few weeks spent with a marriage counselor will help you to discover everything that's been making you unhappy, and marriage therapists will help you work through problems constructively. Learning communication skills from a marriage expert helps strengthen your marriage and yourselves.


  • Remember that it is better to talk about marriage problems than to internalize anger and disappointment. Stress in marriages causes husbands and wives to hurt each other and the children.


  • Confrontations are rarely helpful and may lead to verbal or physical violence. Stay calm and ask a neutral friend or marriage counselor for help.
  • If there is even one instance of domestic violence, seek help immediately. That advice goes for husbands as well-domestic violence against husbands is a serious matter that must be dealt with immediately.