The best way to get a spouse to admit cheating is to use Black Ops social manipulation techniques. Black Ops techniques use the science of social psychology to manipulate people. These techniques can be used without the other person knowing you are doing anything extraordinary. The Black Ops technique applicable to this situation is called the truth extractor. The truth extractor will help you detect if your spouse is lying and teach you to effectively confront them.
The Truth Extractor
Bring up the topic of your spouse cheating, but not in a confrontational way. Introduce the topic and watch how your spouse reacts.You can say something like, "You know I notice a chemistry between you and Sally. Are you attracted to her?." Hard confrontation will only make your spouse withdraw in a defensive way. It is easy to lose self-esteem when you feel your spouse has been cheating. Black ops techniques allow someone to regain their dominance in situations, which is the best way to get a liar to admit.
Once the topic has been introduced, listen and watch your spouse carefully.There are a cluster of behaviors Black Ops proponents feel signify a person is lying.These include: failure to answer questions directly, talking too much, stuttering, mixing up words, and talking in a monotonous tone. Liars tend to make facial expressions after they finish stating how they feel, whereas people telling the truth make facial expressions simultaneously. Similarly, a lying spouse may pause before he responds, because he is thinking up a lie. Watch the mouth area. If his gestures are very mechanical, this can be a sign of guilt or nervousness. Shoulder shrugs, fidgeting or scratching the nose can be signs of deception. Other warning signs of lying are avoiding eye contact, shifting away from you and touching avoidance. If the topic has been introduced in a non-threatening way and your spouse does not ask you the same question back, or gets defensive about the topic - these are more signs of lying. Look for a cluster of these traits, using them as your own informal "lie detector."
Confront in a non-threatening way. A classic Black Ops technique would be to say something like, "Doesn't it bother you when a person cheats and they think they will never get caught?" This type of approach will make a spouse extremely nervous. Follow this line of questioning with a hypothetical situation. You can say, "Sandy at work knows one of her friend's husband is cheating and he thinks he will never get caught - what do you think?" Nervousness will be heightened to an apex at this point.
Employ the black mirror technique, which is what Black Ops experts call parroting your spouse's physical gestures. Tilt your head in the same way he has his head tilted, mirroring their posture. Copy his hand gestures. If he is looking at the floor, you should also look there. Even though what you are doing will seem obvious to you, your spouse is so nervous he will likely not notice.
After you match his body language, ask the question directly, such as "Are you cheating on me?" Say nothing. You have established you're alpha, taken control of the conversation and used silence, which is an extremely effective technique. Then, no matter what your spouse says when they are done responding, lean forward slightly and question them again - simply and directly. Use a phrase such as, "Really?" or "Are you sure?." Use silence again. No matter how he responds, follow up again stating something like, "Are you sure there is nothing you have to tell me?"
The last, most powerful technique is to manipulate him by excusing his behavior. You can say something like, "I know you lied, let's get it out in the open so we can move forward. Everyone makes mistakes in a marriage. I have not been perfect so I don't expect you to be either." This technique will make your spouse think it is okay to tell you he is cheating because you are going to forgive him.
- "NLP: The New Technology of Achievement"; Andreas et al.; 1994
- "Covert Hypnosis: An Operator's Manual"; Hogan, K.; 2009
- Look for clusters of signs of lying, not just one or two warning signs.
- Expert liars will not display obvious signs of agitation or guilt when lying.
- Black Ops is a manipulative technique.
- While experts of Black Ops feel these techniques are ethical, traditional marriage and family therapists would not typically recommend this approach.
Brenda Scottsdale is a licensed psychologist, a six sigma master black belt and a certified aerobics instructor. She has been writing professionally for more than 15 years in scientific journals, including the "Journal of Criminal Justice and Behavior" and various websites.