How to Choose Between Two People You Love

by Alysia D. Roehrig

Finding yourself in a situation where you are in love with two people often results when you are not satisfied with one relationship. You seek to complement the two relationships to find a balance in your love life. However, this may cause fear, jealousy and hurt to the people you claim to love. It is difficult having to choose between two lovers, especially with the fear that you may actually lose the right person for you. It is up to you to scrutinize the two relationships and find the best fit.

Love or Infatuation

The feelings evoked when you start an affair with another person may be love or infatuation. A research study by Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University, revealed that when some people engage in an affair, stress hormones may cause them to confuse feelings of fear and excitement with love. Analyze your relationships and determine what you feel toward each person. Intimacy, passion and commitment are essential qualities of love in a relationship, according to marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall.


Give yourself some time and space from both people and ask yourself what you want from a relationship. For example, you may be seeking a short or long term relationship. Figuring out the dynamics of the relationship you want helps you decide on the suitable person. Figure out whether you love the person because she is exciting, your sex life is good, or she has the qualities of a future wife. Ask yourself why you find yourself in love with two people: is it that they are lacking in some qualities or is the problem commitment issues on your part?

Pros and Cons

Make a list of pros and cons of qualities that the two people possess and what they bring to the relationship. From the list, determine which person has the best qualities and whose negative qualities you do not mind tolerating. It is helpful in a relationship if the couple shares common interests; determine who shares similar interests with you. Compare how you spend your time with the two people and who you are more comfortable with.

Future Plans

Usually, when in love, you envision how the future looks for your relationship. Between the people you claim to love, see who possesses more characteristics that are positive for a future together. For example, responsibility is an essential quality for a prospective husband and father. In terms of career plans, determine who has a stable plan for his future and is ready to make a permanent commitment to your relationship. From your interaction, discern who plans for a future that includes marriage and children for the two of you if that is what you want.

About the Author

Alysia Roehrig began writing in 1997. Her work has been published in various online publications. She is a teacher and educator with experience teaching first grade and special education. Roehrig holds a Ph.D and an Master of Arts in psychology from University of Notre Dame.

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