It is difficult to trust your husband after his infidelity. You probably fear that it will happen again and that he's still seeing the affair partner. Red flags such as refusing to let you access his computer, knowledge of his whereabouts, overnight trips away from home alone and a sense that he is hiding something lead to suspicions that he’s still seeing her.
The Danger Signs
Your hubby risks returning to his affair partner if you are still distant with one another, disconnected, fighting, leading separate lives and feeling lack of concern for one another, according to clinical psychologist Elvira G. Aletta in the article, "3 Danger Signs Your Partner May Be Having an Affair" for Psych Central. You must reconnect to make your marriage work and prevent further infidelity, suggests infidelity therapist Rona Subotnik in the article, “Healing From Infidelity and Depression” on the PBS website. Spend time together, have fun, date one another and treat one another with courtesy.
Contacting the Affair Partner
Your husband must be clear with the affair partner in a final email, letter or text that further communication is unwelcome and that he will not respond, according to psychotherapist Lynn Margolies in “How to Close the Door After an Affair” on the Psych Central website. Specific wording making it clear that he has chosen you and is committed to your relationship prevents the other woman from receiving mixed messages. View the correspondence before he sends it to verify the message contents. Relationships that survive infidelity do so when the couple chooses to love and recommit for one another, not for a child or any other reason, according to marital therapist Joan Sherman in “Back to Happily Ever After” in “The Wall Street Journal.”
Honesty and Consideration
Your husband’s infidelity was neither honest nor considerate of your feelings, writes marital therapist Willard F. Harley, Ph.D., in “How Can Trust Be Restored After an Affair?” on the Marriage Builders website. Adherence to a joint agreement that you will act only in ways that you both enthusiastically support and with total honesty helps to rebuild trust so that you know he isn’t seeing the other woman. Without such agreements, you shouldn’t trust his word, advises Harley. Let family and friends know about the affair, suggests biological anthropologist Helen Fisher in “The Wall Street Journal” article. Letting others know about the affair can add a layer of accountability, as well.
If your spouse won’t commit to complete honesty and consideration, you could be tempted to use GPS tracking on the car, phone recorders, key-logging software and a private investigator to verify that he isn’t in contact with the other woman. Such snooping is not legal in all states, according to Brett Snider, Esq., in “Legal to Secretly Spy on Your Spouse” for the FindLaw Blotter. Various states, such as California, Michigan, Missouri and New Jersey, prohibit accessing your spouse’s computer, recording telephone conversations you are not a part of or setting up nanny cams in your home to spy on your spouse, and you could be charged with a felony. Harley recommends discussing your concerns to clarify suspicious behaviors and verify appropriate behavior.
- Psych Central: 3 Danger Signs Your Partner May Be Having An Affair
- PBS: Healing From Infidelity and Depression
- Psych Central: How to Close the Door After an Affair
- Wall Street Journal: Back to Happily Ever After
- Marriage Builders: How Can Trust Be Restored After an Affair?
- Marriage Builders: Snooping: Is It Wrong? Or, Is It the Right Thing to Do in Marriage?
- FindLaw Blotter: Legal to Secretly Spy on Your Spouse
Rev. Kathryn Rateliff Barr has taught birth, parenting, vaccinations and alternative medicine classes since 1994. She is a pastoral family counselor and has parented birth, step, adopted and foster children. She holds bachelor's degrees in English and history from Centenary College of Louisiana. Studies include midwifery, naturopathy and other alternative therapies.
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