How to Regain Intimacy After You Are Married for 35 Years

by Shelley Frost ; Updated December 20, 2017

After 35 years of good times and challenges, it's natural to lose some intimacy, both sexually and emotionally. You've both likely changed significantly over the years, and that initial infatuation probably fizzled out long ago. But that doesn't mean intimacy is lost forever. When both parties make a true effort to reconnect, you can rediscover the waning intimate feelings you now lack.

Talk About Intimacy Issues

Ignoring the lack of intimacy only makes the situation worse. Both of you feel the distance between you, which puts more stress on your relationship. Without addressing the lack of intimacy, you can't work together to make changes.

Let your partner know you want to talk about your closeness. Avoid accusations or making the talk a confrontation. Share your personal feelings openly and honestly to start the discussion. Encourage your partner to do the same. You might discuss things that are coming between you when it comes to intimacy. Suggest ways to remove those barriers, so you can enjoy a closer relationship again.

Address Personal Roadblocks

As you think about your intimacy issues, consider what you can do personally to improve the situation. Perhaps you're dealing with a bit of depression that causes you to push away your spouse. Maybe you're just not letting your spouse near you, or you're letting stress or your other responsibilities get in the way. If you're experiencing a health issue that affects your libido, that might cause you to keep your distance from your spouse.

Work on those personal barriers, so you're open to intimacy. If you're dealing with depression or a physical health issue, work with a doctor to improve those conditions.

Start Touching Again

Physical contact can help you feel closer to your partner. Start with small types of contact like touching his back when you walk past him or holding hands. Make it a priority to hug one another before you part ways. Sit closely to one another when you watch TV. Give your partner a back rub. Physical contact can make you feel a stronger bond with your partner without saying a word.

Spend Time Together

If you're always off doing your own thing, you don't have a chance to reconnect and feel intimate. Make it a priority to spend one-on-one time with your partner. Schedule dates once a week to reconnect. Even little moments at home like watching a favorite TV show every night or having coffee together in the morning create rituals that make you feel closer to your spouse. You still can and should have time to pursue your own interests, but make sure you also give your relationship time to grow.

Do Sweet Things for Each Other

After 35 years, you feel pretty comfortable together. You may not feel like you have to do the little sweet things you did when you first started dating. But reverting back to those early days of your relationship can help reignite the spark. Doing little unexpected things for your partner shows her that you care. It makes her feel special, and those actions may help reignite her spark for you. Ideas include sending flowers, cooking a favorite meal, doing a chore that she normally does or bringing home a treat you know she likes.

About the Author

Based in the Midwest, Shelley Frost has been writing parenting and education articles since 2007. Her experience comes from teaching, tutoring and managing educational after school programs. Frost worked in insurance and software testing before becoming a writer. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in elementary education with a reading endorsement.