In her landmark article on relationship science, Ellen Berscheid remarked in the journal “American Psychologist” that, “A relationship itself is invisible; its existence can be discerned only by observing its effects." The effects of a relationship are often the result of poor communication, and which can also, at times, be invisible. Seeing how you communicate is an important skill in opening lines of communication in your marriage.
Minimize Nonverbal Cues
When couples fail to communicate verbally, they get their information from other sources. Some nonverbal cues are obvious: an upset look and similar nonverbal actions communicate just as much information. Unfortunately, much of this communication occurs without our awareness. In his book, “The Secrets of Happy Families,” Bruce Feiler recommends sitting side by side on comfy furniture when engaged in difficult conversations as it breeds accommodation over intimidation.
Listening is an expression of validation. Actively listening communicates interest and the desire to understand your partner. Conversely, waiting for a break in the conversation to speak does not convey that a partner truly heard and understood the other. Professors Rosemary Ramsey and Ravipreet Sohi reported in a study published in the “Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science” that listening is composed of sensing, evaluating and responding. Notice that the first two components of this study reinforce the importance of listening to understand before ever speaking a word.
The world-renowned relationship expert, psychologist John Gottman, recommends using "I statements" when beginning a conversation. When a conversation begins with the words “I feel…,” the communication that follows is far more likely to be productive than negative. For example, instead of “you never pick up your socks,” begin with, “I feel resentful when you leave your socks on the floor.” Notice how the content is the same -- socks on the floor -- but the tone of the conversation changed from accusation to concern. Perhaps most important, partners are more likely to understand the other’s viewpoint when both consistently use "I" statements.
For couples experiencing trouble with face-to-face conversations, technology can help break the ice. Psychologist Sarah Coyne and colleagues reported in a study published in the journal “Family Relations” that couples most often used text messaging to express affection, discuss emotionally difficult issues and to apologize or begin a difficult conversation. Providing a partner uses care and discretion, such technology is an especially important tool for those that have difficulty verbally expressing themselves. With a little creativity, couples can begin to open the lines of communication.
- American Psychologist: The Greening of Relationship Science
- The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More; Bruce Feiler
- Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science: Listening to Your Customers: The Impact of Perceived Salesperson Listening Behavior on Relationship Outcomes
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver
- Family Relations: "I luv u :)!": A Descriptive Study of the Media Use of Individuals in Romantic Relationships
- Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication: Friendships through IM: Examining the Relationship between Instant Messaging and Intimacy
- How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It; Patricia Love, Ed.D., and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.
- Communication Quarterly: The ‘‘How’’ and ‘‘Why’’ of Flirtatious Communication Between Marital Partners
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