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Ways to Avoid Emotionally Unavailable Men

by Sarah Casimong, studioD

Avoiding emotionally unavailable men can save you much heartache and frustration in your love life. If you find that you consistently date emotionally unavailable men and cannot seem to get away from them, you may have to look at yourself to see why you are attracting or pursuing men who are not able to fully commit themselves to you.

Recognize Your Pattern

If you have a tendency to fall for men who do not commit, appear uninterested, or cheat on you, what you have is an unhealthy pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men. You may be doing this unconsciously due to self-esteem issues, according to psychologist Seth Meyers in his Psychology Today article, "Why Women Love & Lust After Unavailable Men: Traumatic Love." Or, by pursuing an emotionally unattainable man, you may be trying to win his love as a way of unconsciously proving your self-worth. You need to admit to yourself that you have a negative dating pattern and want to change it.

Pay Attention to Baggage

Be aware of men who come from situations that tend to breed emotionally unavailable people. For example, a man who is going through a breakup, is not over his ex, too focused on his career, or is carrying emotional issues from childhood may not be emotionally ready for the relationship you deserve, according to behavioral scientist Christie Hartman on her website. An emotionally unavailable man coming out of one or more of these situations will likely build a wall to avoid emotional intimacy and be unable to commit to you.

Look for Certain Traits

Once you identify your pattern of chasing emotionally unavailable men, consciously begin to focus more on what traits you want in a man, instead of focusing on what traits you do not want. You likely want to date someone who is dependable, kind and emotionally stable, notes psychologist, author and relationship expert Seth Meyers in the eHarmony article, "Mr. Unavailable: How Women Can Stop Falling for Unavailable Men." Make an effort to go into your next relationship placing as much importance -- if not more -- on your own emotional needs as you do on your partner's emotional needs.

Learn from Past Mistakes

If you encountered emotionally unavailable men in the past, the best thing you can do is learn from those experiences. If you continue to make the same mistakes, it's because you haven't learned from them, notes Meyers. Identify some of the mistakes you made when you ended up with a man who was not emotionally available in the past. For example, perhaps you pursued a man knowing that he was not over his ex, or stayed in a relationship too long, hoping that the man would change his mind and commit. Reflect on those mistakes and focus on how to avoid repeating history. If you feel your self-esteem or bad past experiences are the root of your problem, you may benefit from seeing a counselor to help you deal with your issues.

About the Author

Sarah Casimong is a Vancouver-based writer with a Bachelor's degree in journalism from Kwantlen Polytechnic University. She writes articles on relationships, entertainment and health. Her work can be found in the "Vancouver Observer", "Her Campus" and "Cave Magazine".

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