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How to Be Emotionally Secure in a Relationship

by Karen Kleinschmidt, studioD

Although emotional security is something most people strive for in their relationships, emotional insecurity is common for many people. According to GoodTherapy.org, feeling insecure can cause you to become clingy or needy, resulting in a chronic push-pull cycle that creates an unhealthy relationship. The needier the insecure person becomes, the more her partner pulls away. And the more he pulls away, the more she feeds her insecurities. While emotional insecurity can stem from a number of problems, including early childhood issues or negative relationship experiences, understanding its detrimental impact on your relationship can help you relax and find your way back to a secure and happy relationship.

Be Present

Actively listen to your partner as he speaks, feel his touch and respond to it. According to the PsychologyToday.com article, "Be in the Moment, Feel More Secure," being mindful of your partner means paying attention to him in the moment without passing judgement. The article adds that mindfulness can help to increase security within your relationship, which can result in increased relationship satisfaction.

Accept Uncertainty

You and your partner will both have distinct moods and preferences. The ups and downs of life, individual desires for space and for times of intimacy all make up a typical relationship. Mark Tyrrell, therapist and co-founder of UncommonHelp.me, says that letting go of the desire to be certain about every aspect of your relationship can lead to feeling more secure with your partner. He adds that needing to feel close at all times to avoid dealing with uncertainty in your relationship is a sign of insecurity. As you begin to accept the uncertainty of not knowing the future, you may find it easier to relax in the present moment with your partner.

Breathing Space

Having to have your partner by your side at all times doesn't allow for the needed space to grow as individuals within your relationship. At the same time, both of you need to have your needs met. If your needs aren't being met and he is unable to meet them, consider easing some of your anxiety through work, school, a hobby or spending time with your friends. And remember that it is not his job to meet all of your needs. While an insecure person will need to have all of her needs met by another person -- which adds extreme strain on that other person -- a person who is balanced in security will understand that it is not the job of one person to meet another person's every need. According to Tyrrell, this type of stifling behavior leads to quick tension and overwhelming strain in a relationship.


Emotional security can be enhanced through ongoing communication with your partner. When you're feeling insecure, speak with your partner openly. You may find that he doesn't realize that specific behaviors have led to your insecurities or you may realize that your emotion was bigger than his action. If you are confused by something your partner said or did, rather than making assumptions, ask him what he meant. GoodTherapy.org points out that insecurity can increase when you make the wrong assumptions about your partner's behaviors. For example, in your eyes, an oversight may be interpreted as a rejection while your partner may simply be overwhelmed with a busy work week.

About the Author

Karen Kleinschmidt has been writing since 2007. Her short stories and articles have appeared in "Grandma's Choice," "Treasure Box" and "Simple Joy." She has worked with children with ADHD, sensory issues and behavioral problems, as well as adults with chronic mental illness. Kleinschmidt holds a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Montclair State University.

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