If you’ve been married for more than a few years, it’s bound to happen -- you feel like you’ve either lost or are losing the chemistry in your marriage. It might actually have nothing to do with your relationship and more to do with a biochemical process in your bodies, according to therapist Laura Berman in her column on the "Everyday Health" website. When you first met your spouse, your brains produced a surplus of neurotransmitters and hormones that resulted in very strong chemistry, but over time, that process settles down. There is still plenty you can do with your spouse to bring the chemistry back.
Help your spouse meet his goals. Maybe he has a physical goal he wants to achieve at the gym and you can go with him, or maybe he has a spiritual goal he's working toward where you can spend time in devotion together. Either way, working together fosters intimacy that leads to more chemistry.
Pursue a new interest together. You might try a dancing class or a new sport, as long as it is something you can do together.
Evaluate your lifestyle to determine if there are any contributing factors to the lack of chemistry. Stress at a job, too many activities with the kids or too much time with friends might take away from time with your spouse.
Move physical intimacy up on your priority list. If you determine that your busy lifestyle contributes to the lack of chemistry, make a point to set aside more time. Put the kids to bed earlier, cut out one activity, or go to bed at the same time.
Talk to each other about your concerns over the lack of chemistry. Discuss what the other can do to help spark that chemistry again. Share your sexual expectations with each other, and reach an agreement of what works for the two of you.
Think about what you can do to spark the attraction. Men are generally more visually stimulated, according to "Dr. Phil" McGraw on his show's website. As a wife, you might put a little more work into your attire, hair and makeup a couple of days a week. A husband might try to help more around the house, or he can offer more compliments to his wife throughout the day since women are stimulated more by romantic words and touch, according to MarriageMissions.com.
Spend physical time together, which releases oxytocin, a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment, according to Oprah.com. Men enjoy more physical interaction such as kissing, where women generally enjoy more subtle interaction such as holding hands.
Put away the technology in the evenings. Spend time doing something together rather than surfing the Internet, watching TV or talking on the phone.
Plan regular date nights. Mix it up on the date nights -- you might plan a nice dinner out one night and a fun, casual game night the next time.
Plan something new and unusual to freshen things up. Act like you’re meeting in a coffee shop for the first time, role play or plan a “blind” date with each other.
Build up the anticipation before sex. Play hard to get or talk about your plans for physical intimacy later.
Try new positions or new locations in your house when you make love. Instead of the bedroom, head to the kitchen, the living room couch or the shower for some fun.
Attend a few sessions of couples counseling if you continue to feel the chemistry in your marriage is lacking.
- hitched: 3 Ways to Put Sex Back Into Your Marriage
- Oprah.com: How to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship
- Dr. Phil: Putting Passion Back Into Your Relationship
- Everyday Health: Ask Dr. Berman - How Can We Get the Spark Back in Our Marriage?
- hitched: 10 Ways to Regain Sexual Fire in Your Marriage
- Marriage Missions International: Understanding the Differences Between Men and Women
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