Patients with higher marital quality ratings were more likely to be alive four years following the onset of congestive heart failure. In this study, published in the American Journal of Cardiology in September 2001, more than half of the factors contributing to marital quality were related to the couple’s communication behaviors. Accordingly, breaking through the ice is not only important for your marriage, it may even save your life.
Starting a conversation, especially after days of silence, is awkward and susceptible to misinterpretation by both partners. Psychologist John Gottman often recommends couples use “I statements” to avoid beginning a conversation with accusations. I statements relay concern about behaviors rather than criticizing the person performing the behavior. Professor Eboni Baugh at the University of Florida offers the following example of an I statement: “When we go out to eat, you always embarrass me,” becomes “I feel hurt and ashamed when you make fun of me in public.”
Gottman termed complete withdrawal from communication as “stonewalling.” In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman said stonewalling was so detrimental to a relationship that he included it as one of the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” signaling the future demise of the relationship if left untreated. The verbal partner can try to break through the cold exterior through validating a positive behavior. Gottman offered the following example of a statement of validation: “I really like the way you are sensitive to my moods”
Far too often couples assume all communication must be about the relationship. Yet, that is hardly the case. Marriage experts Gary Chapman and Ramon Presson offer sample questions designed to begin a conversation in their book “101 Conversation Starters for Couples.” One of their questions involves a childhood memory: “Can you recall visiting your parents' workplace?” The key is to begin a conversation -- any conversation. Discussions about nonemotional memories are a great starting point.
Chapman’s best-selling book “The 5 Love Languages” details the five primary methods most partners use to give and receive love. Knowing and regularly speaking your partner’s love language softens the communication barrier before ever attempting a conversation. For example, if your partner feels loved through “Acts of Service,” do something especially for your partner. Unexpected acts most often communicate the most intense love for your partner.
- American Journal of Cardiology: Prognostic Importance of Marital Quality for Survival of Congestive Heart Failure
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver
- University of Florida: Un-Healthy Marital Interactions: What Not To Do and What Can Be Done!
- 101 Conversation Starters for Couples; Gary Chapman, Ph.D. and Ramon Presson
- The 5 Love Languages; Gary Chapman, Ph.D.
- Take the Love Language quiz
- How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It; Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
- Communication Quarterly: The ‘‘How’’ and ‘‘Why’’ of Flirtatious Communication Between Marital Partners
- Thinkstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images