our everyday life

Am I Wrong for Asking My Boyfriend to Stop Talking to His Ex-Girlfriend?

by C. Giles, studioD

Most people come into a relationship with a certain amount of baggage. An ex-girlfriend can cause problems even if she's no longer around due to the negative effects that either the relationship or the subsequent break-up had on your partner. If your boyfriend is still in touch with his ex, she will be even more of a presence in your lives. If this bothers you, bottling up your feelings won't get rid of that anxiety and insecurity. In fact, it's only likely to make you feel worse in the long term -- and it will be difficult not to come across as jealous and paranoid. Talking to your boyfriend about how you feel is a much better option, but you need to be careful in how you go about it.

Be Honest with Yourself

If it bothers you that your boyfriend is still in touch with his ex-girlfriend, you need to be honest with yourself about why this is the case. If you suspect that he still has romantic feelings for his ex, establish whether you have any proof. If your boyfriend is completely upfront with you about his contact with his ex, you shouldn't have any reason to worry. However, if he lied to you, such as by telling you a phone call was from somebody else when it was actually from her, you have every reason to doubt his motives. Some people are insecure because they were betrayed in a previous relationship or simply have low self-esteem. If this applies to you, you should be more concerned about addressing those issues than with worrying about your boyfriend's actions.

Keep Things in Perspective

Some people keep in touch with their exes because they think highly of them and value them as friends. It's important to keep in mind that even if your boyfriend still wants his ex to be part of his life, he still chose to be with you. It is likely that you have qualities that she doesn't -- and that he considers you a better match for him.

Be Honest with Your Boyfriend

Rather than asking your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex-girlfriend, tell him why it makes you feel uncomfortable. Do it calmly, without getting angry and emotional or accusing him of anything. A certain amount of insecurity is normal when it comes to an ex-partner, according to dating expert and behavioral scientist Christie Hartman, Ph.D. It's also quite natural to wonder whether she is prettier, funnier and more interesting than you. Explain to your boyfriend that these insecure feelings are stronger because you know he is still in touch with his ex. This is your boyfriend's opportunity to reassure you of his feelings for you. He may decide that having his ex in his life is not worth the potential upset it could cause.

Try to Trust

Trust is at the center of all healthy relationships, according to an article on the eHarmony website. Trust your boyfriend until you have a genuine reason to doubt him. If you really can't trust him with his ex-girlfriend, but can't quite put your finger on why, perhaps this is not the right relationship for you.

About the Author

C. Giles is a writer with an MA (Hons) in English literature and a post-graduate diploma in law. Her work has been published in several publications, both online and offline, including "The Herald," "The Big Issue" and "Daily Record."

Photo Credits

  • George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images